Heart slayed.

So there I am in the pitch black carrying on with a regular nightly activity, the bed routine (which John dominates for sure) However on this particular night it was just me and the kid.

Bath, bedtime snack, book or a Noah story (he wants a random story where he is the main dude) and then tickle for a minute and "I will be back to check you in 5 minutes". In 5 minutes he is almost always sleeping.

This night, this night I was not prepared for what he was about to say to me. So I am like 8 months pregnant, hormone filled, back sore, wanting him to just sleep so I can rest my swollen feet and have a tea. I am standing there is the pitch black tickling away and he reminds me just how precious time is and well...life in general. It never fails to amaze me how much he knows, to what extent and the thoughts that pass through his mind that I would never know...until now.

N: mom...when "k" is born (that is all you are getting for now) it is gonna hurt right?
p: Yes babe, it is going to hurt but I can do it, don't you worry.
N: Hurt because she comes out your bum right..
p: (laugh..pause then laugh again) well not really my bum love.
N: oh you're pee pee....but you're pee pee is different from daddy and me....cause it's small.
p: yes love, I have a smaller "pee pee"

I continue to tickle him with a giant smile on my face. This kid.

He then say sometimes babies die before they are born right. I said.. sadly yes honey. I explain sometimes the babies are just not strong enough. He said well I was though right, I didn't die but the baby before me died right mom... cause he wasn't strong enough. My throat tightens and I confirm. (I had a miscarriage before Noah) yes honey, that baby wasn't strong enough but I am sure happy that you were. I cant imagine my life without you.

I can "hear" his smile.

Heart slay moment approaching which completely catches me off guard. Here it comes, the "thank god for the dark and muster a solid voice" moment. He then says.., sometimes the babies live and the mommy dies right mom.


I was not ready for this and as I type this now weeks later I am a puddle. How does he know this...why does he know this...I said with a strong "holding tears back" voice that yes, sometimes the mommy dies but its not very common, it doesn't happen often. He then asks me in the most sincere, most heart melting 4 year old voice who is genuinely concerned "to not die, to please not die mom" he pleads. Fuck. I am full on tears down my face so thankful for the dark room and head to the floor. I tell him to not worry, that I will try my hardest and he doesn't have to worry about that. I said all this with a shaky tears holding back voice. It was weak. It was quiet. It was all I could muster up. I wasn't prepared. I could never have imagined this moment happening. This kid.

I am sure all you parents can relate to the amount of love you have for your children. Their happiness is your happiness, their sadness is your sadness. This kid has my heart. My heart in his hands and he deserves it. He can be the sweetest guy, surprise you when you least expect it with random hugs and kisses, I love you mom moments.

I feel like a ticking time bomb. Our solo time is coming to an end. I feel guilty with these little kicks as a constant reminder..guilty because the solo time is coming to an end but at the same time I feel happiness that he gets to share a life with a "sibship" (sibling relationship). I know that they will have their moments and this will be a big adjustment but we are all looking forward to it. They will love, admire, laugh, fight, remember, and hopefully always have each other. He always draws "k" in his pictures and refers to her as part of our family already and it truly means the world to me.

How will my heart handle this...another to love and hold so tight. I will do my best. That is all I can do. Ensure that he is not forgotten, that however sleep deprived, unshowered, frustrated, overwhelmed I am that I will have time for him. That I wont say just a minute all day long. I will figure out a routine that works for us all. I will dig out my hats for the days that he wants to go to the park but my hair is crawling cause I am on day 3 without a shower feeling. I will go anyway and we will remember these moments. He doesn't care how I look, he just wants me to be there.

I will do my damn best... and that part that makes me happiest about this, is that I know my best will be just fine with him.


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