I don't know about you other moms but the first three months of pregnancy are some freaky ass months. I feel like I'm holding my breath the whole time. There is so much worry, so much uncertainty and hope that you have nothing to do with, can be completely out of your control in some circumstances.

With Noah, we missed the 2 week window where you can have the "nuchal screening" that tests for that 3rd chromosome. I should read more about this because I don't know enough about it. Why is there only a two week window to see this on an ultrasound.

So this time around, being 35 and having some complications at the beginning really made me nervous this go around.

Early on we went for the typical "dating ultrasound". I knew the first day of my last cycle, certain about it being July 28th. The initial ultrasound showed an empty sac. They didn't even call John in as there was nothing to see and no cardiac movement to confirm a viable pregnancy. I could not help being so so sad. "Come back in 2 weeks" I was told. The longest 2 weeks of my life. The blood tests were required to check on the HCG levels to ensure they were doubling every 2 to 4 days.

They did not.

Did them again, same response.

The calls from the doctor were sweet and caring but skeptical".

I cried a lot. I was so torn because I had all the symptoms but nothing positive other than that pee stick. I felt guilty for trying to prepare myself in case in I was miscarrying. I felt guilty if there was a baby there thriving that I was thinking the worst, scared to feel empty if there was a bean there. I felt horrible trying to think positive and get my hopes up to be so badly hurt. There is no right answer here. You just have to go through the motions. I miscarried before Noah and I know that pain. I was so afraid.

October 2nd could not have come fast enough. I went in and the tech was very happy and bubbly saying "lets get some super cute baby pics today"...I interrupted her and gave her the heads up on blood tests etc. She went immediately to baby and we saw the flicker. She confirmed there was a strong heartbeat. I immediately put my hands to my face and cried. My husband reassured her those were happy tears and we all laughed. I told her she was new best friend and she happily told me she was okay with that. Turns out I ovulated later in the cycle and baby was 10 days younger therefore not able to see in the first ultrasound...blood tests, no idea why they didn't double.

Today the tech was serious and down to business, not much small talk, she was great...just different. I missed my new best friend. So new tech does the ultrasound. Says she needs to talk to the doctor and does not even call John in. Weird. Remembering the first ultrasound and hating this moment. She comes back and tells me I can follow her to this room. Have a seat and a nurse will be in in a minute to talk to me she leaves and shuts the door.

What the fuck.

I panic.

I'm looking around the room for signs of this is the "I'm so sorry room". I'm looking for pamphlets, tissues...nothing. I breath. A nurse enters and she immediately tells me the screen was negative and all looks good. I would have felt so different if I was advised at the beginning that after the ultrasound you sit and wait to speak to the nurse. The room might have felt comforting and cozy instead of dreadful and shaking hands. At that moment I was so beyond happy, happy to be sitting in this uncomfortable room.

Today, I saw baby bean bouncing, waving to me and stretching. Today, I exhale. Welcome second trimester...I've needed you.

Hi bean! xox


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